someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
no you cant smoke seaweed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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