Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
