i permit you to call me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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