just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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