dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
