We're like a lot better than the average bears
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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