and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Still dying that you shit outside
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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