I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
