did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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