I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
