the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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