I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
