i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
