Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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