I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
