Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
