can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
