So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
