laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
it's like iHOP with fire
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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