at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
