the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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