she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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