Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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