She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
