What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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