You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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