one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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