He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
