I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
