Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
