best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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