Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
