It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
