I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
