I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
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I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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