All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
