He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
