my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
