SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
