Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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