No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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