Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
