he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
