You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
