And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
