i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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