Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
