Will you blow on my dice?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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