I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
