Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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