I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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