If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
