No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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