if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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