Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
