i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
