I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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