we have pet lesbian snakes
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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