we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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